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7/7/2026 My chest heaves. The air enters my lungs in deep gulps. All the denied emotions of the last year begin wracking my body. The weight of survival slowly lifts. How did I not realize? How did I not see I was in a tunnel of survival? No… I buried myself beneath the idea of survival I created. Whatever good came my way I deflected with the armor of that survival. I had stopped. Stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped putting in effort. I stopped living. It didn’t happen all at once. The gradual pace at which I gave up my happiness was like a summer storm slowly rolling in over the horizon. With each piece I gave up, I sank further into my protection of survival. If I didn’t experience life, I wasn’t giving anyone the power to hurt me. My vision was only the tunnel. I sacrificed every bit of happiness I could’ve had. The realizations overwhelm me. If not for my recent escape, I would drown under their weight. The weight of all the missed opportunities, the lost moments of connection, the burden I became to others. This world in which I found solace has become my nightmare. It will not be my tomb. The illusion is broken. I now see the truth in front of me. I am more than what I have been. I am not my history. There is a beautiful world I have been denying and I will deny no longer. I welcome the good, the experiences, and the heartache. I will live with all there is to come. Today, I begin. --Wyatt Ridley

9/13/2023 I am emerging from my cocoon, Bright yed and unafraid, My final form is almost complete, Only beauty to be had. Name and pronouns accepted, Goodbye to the old me, Body beginning to match soul, Masculine, handsome, queer. Looking toward a new dawn, Life and excitement in my eyes, Peace and comfort now known, Look out world, here I come. --Wyatt Ridley

4/14/2024 Acceptance seems an impossible thing, A sea of voices sparking endless fights, Tomorrow begins appearing hopeless, Grasping for light in a darkened world. What’s the point? No purpose being served, Drawing lines and checking boxes, Deepening cracks we’re trying to heal. Self-identity isn’t about you, You don’t define me, Who are you to say? My life isn’t your choice. --Wyatt Ridley

9/3/2023 Struggles with mental health, Mind betrays your body, Life looks like a black hole, Healing isn’t linear. Trauma flashbacks, Suddenly I’m twelve again, Hiding in my closet, Everything feels hopeless. Improving only comes with work, No matter how hard it seems, Even though it all seems lost, You are stronger than you know. Give it time, The pain will lessen, Growth is inevitable, Tomorrow’s another day. It’s amazing what one week can do, How quickly the clouds clear, Darkness turns to light, All I see is sunshine. --Wyatt Ridley

11/4/2025 Golden girl drenched in sunlight, Exuding joy with eyes of sadness, Fierce protector, she watches all. Monochrome duo lay side by side, One tuxedo, one spotted blue defiance, Both with pure love in their hearts. Relic on a shelf, a collar without an owner, A beautiful piece of the puzzle gone, Now only memories and a solemn ache. Two lovers at the center, Cooking magic fueling growth, This family, a haven for lost souls. --Wyatt Ridley

9/21/2023 You tell me I am amazing, The smartest person you know. Gorgeous you tell me, And madly in love you are. You tell me I am never too much, That I am the perfect amount. You tell me time and time again, So why can’t I figure it out? All I feel is broken, An empty shell. Like the sun has died, And forever in darkness. I don’t recognize my reflection, In my mind I’m someone else. Skinnier, prettier, more handsome, Not this person that I see. I have lost my confidence, Feeling timid, self-esteem low. I am unsure of everything, But most of all myself. Hiding all the mirrors, Ignoring all the pictures, Feeling fat and ugly, I don’t deserve anything. Paranoia has set in, I’m suspicious of it all, I’m turning against everyone, Feel like nothing’s going right. No one wants me, Why would they? I’m no one, What have I got to offer? I want to run away, Hide away from everyone. Isolate myself in my shell, Loneliness my only friend. Where did this come from? Seriously, why now? I was so happy, Everything is before me. Why does my mind betray me? It tells me all these lies. I can’t even trust myself, It feels like I’m saying goodbye. Crying has become the norm, It happens every day. No where to go, no one to turn to, Failing on all accounts. Why won’t my pain end? Why does it cling to me? Why do I revisit old wounds? They never let me sleep. --Wyatt Ridley

6/9/2026 The trigger… It happens so quickly that it takes a moment before I realize what is happening. Then a feeling rises in my chest. What is it? It wraps around me, choking out the life that I normally feel. It feels foreign. A distant object that has forced its will upon my heart. That’s when the hole opens. An old wound that refuses to heal. It swallows all of my sanity. I take a jagged breath hoping to get a grip on the spiral I know is coming. It doesn’t help… The spiral begins. The tears start slowly, but quickly become sobs that convulse through my body. There is no longer logic. There is only devastation. An ache that feels as if it’s always been with me. My reality becomes pain. Memories flash like strobe lights. An endless loop of all the hurt. All the slights. The moments I’d forgotten, but are now so clear I am reliving them again. Remember when you didn’t message me for an entire day? Remember all the times you hurt my feelings? Remember all the times you let people down? Remember the string of jobs that wronged you? Remember the cruel indifference from past relationships? What did you do to deserve this pain? Why are you the punching bag of so many when all you do is give? Why don’t people love you the way you love them? Why are you always the one left behind when you give so much of yourself away? Why do you give so much of yourself away? These people don’t deserve you. Stop being so fucking stupid. I can’t… this is who I am. I have always worn my heart raw and exposed for the world to see.. I don’t know how to half ass it. It is all or nothing and even nothing is felt completely. Maybe it’s time to try something different? Look at where this has gotten you? Stop creating your identities around what other people think of you. Stop getting your worth from others. I don’t know how to do it differently. I’m scared. The spiral has slowed now. Steady tears still fall, but logic is slowly returning. My fear has reminded me that there is more than just the pain. Now, that fear reminds me of just how much there is. How much of my life I have spent being afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid to make the wrong choice. To say the wrong thing. To cause someone else pain. I know pain and hurt are inevitable… I know that… I know how to take accountability when it happens, but it doesn’t stop it from becoming internal. I don’t want to be scared anymore. The tears are almost gone now, but I am left exposed like a turtle without its shell. The smallest thing could cause my skin to crack and another spiral to begin. For the first time in fifteen minutes I take a deep breath. The spiral has passed and now I must cope with the fallout. I’ve got to get control and move on. Move on… what is that? --Wyatt Ridley

6/8/2026 Faith… What is it? I’ve heard about it my entire life, but always in the same sentence as capital G, God. Unless you’re at karaoke and someone is a fan of George Michael. I have always rejected the idea of God, except for a brief period in my preteen years. There’s no way there’s a single all-powerful entity overseeing and planning everything for us. The idea has always been ludicrous to me. The older I grow, the more I believe this to be true. The list of bad shit in the world goes on and on and on, but that’s too broad for my world. Somehow I see big pictures, but also don’t see past the end of my street. For me there’s no way anyone would put all of the things that are me into a single body. An omnisexual, polyamorous, genderqueer transgender male with anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and dissociative identity disorder. Two of those things would be enough for a single person, but I got all of them together. If there is a God he can go fuck himself for giving me all of this to deal with. I’ve gotten off topic. This concept of faith eludes me. Fundamentally I understand what it is to have faith. To believe in something bigger than yourself. To give yourself over to something greater. To surrender your being to something other than yourself. How does someone possibly do that? How do you just let go of everything in this life and what you are over to something that you aren’t sure exists? From another perspective, how do you give yourself over to something that you aren’t sure is going to happen? Is it the anxiety that keeps me from truly understanding? Is it the control that I refuse to give up? People always say to fake it until you make it, but I can’t sit here and tell myself that it’s all going to be ok when I don’t know that it is. Especially when I’ve had the four years that I’ve had. For four years I’ve been telling myself it’s all going to be ok. Four years of saying that it’s going to work out. What have I gotten? Four years of disappointment. Four years of deep fucking pain. Four years of being ok never actually happening. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t have faith. Not in myself. Not that things are going to be ok. Not that I have the strength to carry on. How am I supposed to believe in something that might not be real when so much of my reality is questionable? Dissociation is a bitch. I have been through hell the last four years. Yes, I made it out the other side, but barely. And just because I made it through all that doesn’t mean I could make it through all the other infinite possibilities that could be the next fifty years of my life. But I’m trying to have faith… I’m trying. --Wyatt Ridley

6/8/2026 Wyatt Ben Maureen I’m tired of feeling this way. These back and forth feelings. I can’t do this anymore. Passive suicidal thoughts again? No, just overwhelm. You’re so dramatic. That’s not true. Just get your shit together and stop worrying so much. I don’t know how to do that… Why can’t I get over this fucking pain? Everything feels so hopeless. I need to vacuum. It’s been two weeks since the last time. You don’t deserve the things you have. What?! What do you have to offer people? Unregulated emotions and recurring trauma flashbacks? I am more than that. Are you? What good things have you been giving to people recently? All you do is lay in bed and cry. I’m overcoming a lot right now. Yeah yeah… you’re unemployed and “focusing on you”. ‘All of my enemies started out friends, help me hold onto you’ (The Archer- Taylor Swift). I’m losing Lee. No you’re not. Yes, I am. They’re so indifferent. Remember when they wanted to be around you? They still want to be around me. What things do you have planned? I mean… not a lot, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be around me. Oh really? Bella loves you so much. Trevor said he loved you and look what happened… ‘Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow. I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it’ (Tolerate it- Taylor Swift). Just do the things. I’m trying. I’m not built for this (capitalist) system. Well this is the world you live in. I know, but it’s not fair. There’s so much stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental health. I wish people realized how crippling it can be. People are getting there. Are they? Look what happened with your last relationship and your last two jobs… it doesn’t seem like people understand the difficulties. This is pointless… this is pointless… you can do this.

5/21/2023 I still feel you all over me The way we held each other into the night Your touch, so light running down my spine I feel your breath on my face Lost in your eyes that once captivated my soul I can feel your face on my hand I still know the softness of your lips You are written all over my body Whispers and memories lingering My body still aches for all we were together. I need to let you go To let go of all we were All I thought we would be You haunt my every waking thought You linger in my dreams It hurts to let you go But I cannot keep living with this pain I can no longer give you power I release the hold you have on me You now become a memory. --Wyatt Ridley

7/6/2023 My love, words fail every time I try to explain, What you mean to me. How do I explain the highs? How do I tell you of its depths? My love for you is the feeling while watching the sunset, Gasping at its beauty. My love for you is a faint breeze on a blistering day, Sweet relief during a passionate fire. My love is the darkness of a new moon, All-consuming and surrounding. It is the hope that a new dawn brings, Lighting up the world. In all the days we have ahead of us, I’ll never be able to explain, Just how deeply I feel, Nor how far I would go for you. --Wyatt Ridley

8/27/2023 I feel the hurt, It’s deep in my chest, Heart racing uncontrollably, Face flushes red. Then there’s panic, My mind goes crazy, I see the spinning, How long will it last? Anxiety flourishes, Depression looms, No matter what I say, My brain won’t believe. Emotions both ice and fire, A fury I can’t explain, There’s a disconnect, Broken from reality. Rejection, fear, and sadness, Anger, betrayal, and pain, It’s all a threat, I’ve lost my importance. What can I do, How can I change, Is there something to say, Or will it always be this way? --Wyatt Ridley