Trans/Non-binary Support Group

July 21st, 2025- Cedar Rapids

This month's meeting was small, but I am happy to report we did have a new attendee! I hope next month we have even more new attendee's!

Our topic this month was all about pronouns. We started off by connecting to last months topic of self-identifying identities. Self-identifying identities also includes self-identifying pronouns. You can't have one without the other. We then discussed a few less common pronouns (ze/zir or ze/hir, xe/xem, and fae/faer). The bulk of our time though, was spent asking questions and then discussing thoughts. Below are what we talked about.

Is it ok to ask someone's pronouns? YES! Asking someone's pronouns shows that you are invested in validating their identity and that you care about their comfort. BUT, respect if someone does not want to share their pronouns. This could happen for a few reasons. They do not feel safe with you or the environment. Their pronouns could be deeply personal to them and sharing them is a show of comfort and you may not have reached that comfortability yet. They may not identify with any gender and thus do not identify with any pronouns.

What do I do if this happens? How should I refer to the person? Try to use their name as much as possible. We understand this can be difficult, so if you must use pronouns, most within the LGBTQ+ community recommend defaulting to they/them pronouns.

What do I do if I mess up? This answer is a little complicated. Many people suggest always apologizing. I am of a different mind. I think you should adjust your response to messing up, on the person you are talking to. If the person you are talking to seems upset, then I suggest apologizing, correcting yourself, and moving forward. If the person you're talking to does not have a reaction to the mess up, then simply restate what you said with the correct pronoun and move on. For example: "I was telling so and so that she, I mean I was telling so and so that he..." Using this approach shows you care enough to correct yourself. If you do not catch yourself right away, you can use the same approach the next time you use the person's pronouns in the conversation.

Remember though, just because a person doesn't outwardly seem upset, doesn't mean they aren't inwardly upset... so it is possible they could pull you aside later to express their hurt. If this happens, apologize at that moment, give a statement of affirmation to do better, and move forward.

THE REASON I don't suggest always apologizing...

I have had many conversations with transgender and non-binary people on the topic of pronouns. Many state, they do not like when people apologize because it makes them feel obligated to comfort the person who screwed up. They feel compelled to say, "It's ok" or "It's fine". As transgender/non-binary people we do understand there will be mess ups, but the fact of the matter is that it's not ok and it's not fine. BUT, what usually ends up happening is the person apologizing gets offended that we did not acknowledge or accept their apology. Now you have a situation that started with a person's identity being invalidated, but the other person is now upset. Do you see how his can be an issue? Person A's pronouns have now become about person B... and they AREN'T! There is no taking back a screw up. It happened, just fix it and move on.

Regardless of the approach, don't make it a big deal. Making it a big deal or making a show of it makes it awkward for everyone involved, but ESPECIALLY for the person who's pronouns were messed up. So whether you apologize or just correct yourself, don't let there be static air. Just state your apology, affirmation, etc. and continue with the conversation.

We ended the meeting with a few announcements of celebration from members. One member announced they came out to a family member and were met with enthusiastic support! Another member announced they are having gender affirming surgery next month. It fills me with so much joy to see a group of people together celebrating these beautiful parts of the transgender/non-binary journey! See you at next month's Trans/Non-binary Support Group!