RSD

6/9/2026

The trigger…

It happens so quickly that it takes a moment before I realize what is happening. Then a feeling rises in my chest. What is it? It wraps around me, choking out the life that I normally feel. It feels foreign. A distant object that has forced its will upon my heart. That’s when the hole opens. An old wound that refuses to heal. It swallows all of my sanity. I take a jagged breath hoping to get a grip on the spiral I know is coming.

It doesn’t help… The spiral begins.

The tears start slowly, but quickly become sobs that convulse through my body. There is no longer logic. There is only devastation. An ache that feels as if it’s always been with me. My reality becomes pain. Memories flash like strobe lights. An endless loop of all the hurt. All the slights. The moments I’d forgotten, but are now so clear I am reliving them again. 

Remember when you didn’t message me for an entire day? Remember all the times you hurt my feelings? Remember all the times you let people down? Remember the string of jobs that wronged you? Remember the cruel indifference from past relationships? 

What did you do to deserve this pain? Why are you the punching bag of so many when all you do is give? Why don’t people love you the way you love them? Why are you always the one left behind when you give so much of yourself away?

Why do you give so much of yourself away? These people don’t deserve you. Stop being so fucking stupid.

I can’t… this is who I am. I have always worn my heart raw and exposed for the world to see.. I don’t know how to half ass it. It is all or nothing and even nothing is felt completely. 

Maybe it’s time to try something different? Look at where this has gotten you? Stop creating your identities around what other people think of you. Stop getting your worth from others. 

I don’t know how to do it differently. I’m scared.

The spiral has slowed now. Steady tears still fall, but logic is slowly returning. My fear has reminded me that there is more than just the pain. Now, that fear reminds me of just how much there is. How much of my life I have spent being afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid to make the wrong choice. To say the wrong thing. To cause someone else pain. I know pain and hurt are inevitable… I know that… I know how to take accountability when it happens, but it doesn’t stop it from becoming internal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

The tears are almost gone now, but I am left exposed like a turtle without its shell. The smallest thing could cause my skin to crack and another spiral to begin. For the first time in fifteen minutes I take a deep breath. The spiral has passed and now I must cope with the fallout. I’ve got to get control and move on.

Move on… what is that?

--Wyatt Ridley